Secrets, secrets are no fun

Unless they make you mysterious and sexy

Sorry I haven’t written for awhile; I’ve been busy doing stuff. and yes, I’m being intentionally vague. Part of what I explored early in these posts was a desire to give myself permission to fail at this, and while I don’t think a six week break is necessarily a failure, I’m giving myself grace to be okay with my lapse and supportive of my re-entry.

Have you been wondering where I’ve been? Probably not. I’m a chronically online person regularly updating my IG story with the highlights of my life. So unless you live off the grid, (if so can you share how you tolerate it), you’ve seen my trip to Florida, my many birthday celebrations, and my weekend in Chicago.

Thus, today’s topic: intrigue and mystery. I have none of it.

Try as I might, I can’t keep anything to myself. There’s something legitimizing about telling something to someone else; it makes it feel real. When something good, or dramatic, or exciting happens in my life I’m immediately itching to text the news. I need to blab to feel alive.

This past Wednesday, I had the honor of seeing A Streetcar Named Desire starring Paul Mescal in Brooklyn. A moment of poor planning had Luke and I seated in the theater lobby 45 minutes before showtime. I was foaming at the mouth at the idea of being in the same room as Paul, so imagine my reaction when sitting in the lobby of the theater I see not one, but BOTH Naked Brothers of the Naked Brothers Band. An unexpected celebrity sighting? Not real unless shared. The hotter of the Naked Brothers casually strolled from the bathroom back to the theater entrance and our eyes locked. We shared a moment of connection that can only be described as telepathic. I smiled at him, he smiled at me, I smiled bigger, and then so did he. I knew he knew that I knew who he was. He knew that I knew who he was.

The interaction had me absolutely giddy. Could I keep this secret moment to myself and revel in the specialness of a moment of connection with someone I’ve been crushing on since I was 16 and watched The Fault in Our Stars for the first time? Sure. But what’s the fun in that? I kicked Luke under the table and giggled like a school girl explaining the sparks he’d missed fly right in front of him. I opened my phone to text my girlfriends. The world had to know Nat Wolff had smiled at me.

Twenty minutes later, seated in our economy balcony seats, I scanned the crowd below to locate the Naked Brothers. There was a girl seated next to him with dark hair. From the depths of my brain I recalled a youtube video I had watched of Alex Wolff and Billie Eilish answering questions about one another as “best friends,” and later seeing rumors of her dating his brother. My eyes went tunnel vision, like a telescope, zooming in on the facial features of the girl to Nat’s right. Dark hair, sunglasses, and an N95 mask. Holy shit, Billie Eilish was sitting next to Nat Wolff.

This certainly wasn’t real until I told other people. My body was buzzing. I brought Luke into the circle of trust but it didn’t satiate. I needed more people to know, I needed the validation that I had a keen eye, that I was tapped into pop culture I had basically become deux moi. I told the couple sitting next to us then watched as they proceeded to take increasingly invasive photos of Billie from above for 10 minutes. They should not have been trusted.

In that moment I watched my ability to control the narrative slip away. Keeping something close to my chest gives me control, and the second it was given to someone new I relinquished my ability to contain it. It’s a lesson learned.

I am what most would call an “open book.” If you want to know something, just ask. Or don’t, I’ll probably get there eventually if you keep me talking long enough. This is something I feel I should work on. I want to be someone others are curious about, not someone whose life unfolds online for consumption without curiosity.

My Dove chocolate wrapper fortune certainly agrees. Which brings us to my April intention; to live a more private life and let the good things stay close to my chest.

This feels a little counter-intuitive on a platform where I’ve been sharing the intimacies of my brain space, but it’ll challenge me to write on topics that aren’t so personal. Leave a comment if you’ve got an idea for me.

What are y’all up to this weekend? Are you curious about my plans? Guess you’ll just have to inquire directly.